The cliff hanger, or wall faller, of last season was the biggest thing since Kimberley blew up Melrose Place.
But first we have to endure election ads that try to sound dramatic but unless there are any snow zombies in the equation the poll looks pretty benign.
I am literally weeping tears of anticipation during endless motherflipping ads. Kudos though to Foxtel for making the most of the massive audience. The snow bunnies are on the run, folks. This really is the race that stops the nation
Winter has set in and a grubby kid makes his way through a crowd and scales a tree to see soldier as they march in to Winterfell. The oblivious lover relatives (that’s nothing new on this show) ride side by side.
The Northerners look upon the shiny blonde Daenerys Targaryen and her motley crew with scorn.
Then the dragons fly in and Daenerys looks rightly smug.
This looks to be an episode of reunions and confrontations and icy stares that may as well shoot daggers made of dragon glass.
Jon Snow embraces Bran. Armed with some fairly sensitive and devastating info, the kid is ice cold.
Daenerys and Sansa are introduced. Daenerys almost kills Sansa with compliments but one gets the feeling it won’t work. “Winterfell is yours,” Sansa says, a little insincerely.
The folks of Winterfell are unimpressed that Jon left a king and has returned essentially as Daenerys’ bitch.
Meanwhile Sansa is shooting Daenerys death stares. Tyrion dishes out some home truths, and is greeted with jeers when he brings news that the Lannister army is heading to help. If only he knew.
Ever-sensible Sansa is worried about how to feed all these soldiers that are coming to join the war, not to mention the flying fire breathers. “What do dragons eat, anyway,” she asks snidely. “Whatever they want,” Daenerys snaps back.
Tyrion and Sansa reunite. Sansa is onto it. She knows Cersei is lying about sending her army.
“I used to think you were the cleverest man alive,” she tells Tyrion.
Back in the courtyard, the three eyed raven is serving up knowing looks to all and sundry.
Arya and Jon Snow have a big cuddle. Oh its a lovely moment. But is Jon Snow being frozen out?
Cersei gets the news about the wall. She smiles. “Good”. Damn. Just when you might have thought her heart had thawed a touch.
Yara is alive! Still a prisoner of her evil Uncle Euron. Her loyal bro Theon is on his way though.
Captain Strickland arrives at Casterly Rock but he didn’t bring any elephants. Cersei is unimpressed.
Euron, too, is unimpressed that Cersei still hasn’t dropped her dress for him. “You want a whore, buy one. You want a queen, earn her.”
But then? Now that her bro Ser Jaime is gone does she need a baby daddy, as repugnant as he is?
OH HANG ON. The bear has been poked. Cersei has gone next level cray. She wants her traitorous brothers brown bread. Both of them. “That fookin family,” is all Bronn can say after his orgy was rudely interrupted.
Yes, Cersei lets Euron in. Her post coital comment is one for all time. “I wanted those elephants.”
Euron wants to know how he rates as a root. “Do I please the queen?”
“You might be the most arrogant man I’ve ever met. I like that.”
“I’m going to put a prince in your belly,” he dribbles. If only he knew.
Theon rescues Yara, who thanks him in a most loving sisterly way: With a massive headbutt.
Hoo it looks cold. The dialogue is still cracking. Tyrion still gets the best lines.
Oh no! The dragons are not eating. They don’t like the north.
Okay, so this is a huge moment. “I don’t know how to ride a dragon,” Jon Snow says as he inelegantly tries to mount it.
“Nobody does. Until they ride a dragon,” Daenerys says, never seeming to wonder why her dragons are so affectionate to her lover.
They fly together and it’s a surprisingly emotional moment. He struggles to hang on. The effects are utterly breathtaking. This should be shown in 3D.
“You’ve completely ruined horses for me,” Jon quips.
I mean, who doesn’t get their dragons to fly them to a secret rendezvous.
They pash and the dragons purr. Is it pleasure or disapproval?
WOAH. It’s totally disapproval.
In the Dragon glass factory the Hound confronts Arya. “You left me to die,” he says. “First I robbed you,” she shoots back. “You’re a cold little bitch aren’t you. Guess that’s why you’re still alive.” Boom.
Daenerys and Ser Jorah meet Samwell Tarly. This is a moment. He finds out she had his dad and bro killed.
“Thank you, Your Grace, for telling me,” the poor sausage says between blubbers. He’s devo. This is a massive test for his loyalties.
Bran is simmering. He makes Sam tell Jon the truth.
“You’ve never been a bastard,” he blurts out.
“You’re the true king. Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name.” Jon/Aegon looks a bit sick.
Oh I’ve got the bumps. This is heavy.
Back at the wall red beard (Tormund) is shell-shocked. Where are the snow zombies?
Oh wait. There’s a message from the Night King. It’s not pretty. Oh this is grim. Terrifying. Watch through your fingers. The Night King is not subtle.
Then … Ser Jaime rocks up at Winterfell. Bran and he lock eyes. The look of recognition on Jaime’s face…
Oh my god. Winter is here and it is giving me the CHILLS.